I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
