So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
