My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
True strength comes from lack of pants
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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