if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
How external is "for external use only"?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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