Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
