Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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