Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
