Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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