I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
