Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
