i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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