he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
