my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
