just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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