I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
