if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
one might say we're banned from that church
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
