I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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