You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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