I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
