The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
