i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
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He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
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I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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