So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
