I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
