Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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