I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
