life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
