His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Drake has all the answers
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
