why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
