ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
