Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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