There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
