you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
