Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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