I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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