I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He shit in the fireplace
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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