i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
