dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
