I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
