I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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