Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
