She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
