there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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