I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
