its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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