ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
