her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
