Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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