Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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