I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
