I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
