life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
