I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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