my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
