I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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