I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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