My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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