i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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