I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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