he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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