We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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